2/28/06 11:33 pm - My Thoughts
I love her. I can't help it. I've been with her for... 9 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day. It's the longest I've ever been with anyone, yet it saeems so short at the same time. I love her so much, and I would do anything for her. Just being together makes life better. At the same time, I know things will never be the same. In just these 9 months, I've experienced a lifetime of feelings. Love, joy, pain, suffering, ecstasy, happiness. I feel alive with her, yet sometimes she makes me wanna scream, and, to my shame, sometimes I do.I know I make her feel the same way.I can't help it. I love her. If I didn't I wouldn't care. I want to do so much with her. she's the one I want to grow old with. She makes me so frustrated sometimes, though.She's always so vague about the things that bother her. It always seems like I have to pry things out. She also seems to have this wierd dependence on her family. They're always telling her what to do and making her feel worthless, but despite all that, she always runsback to them. I know she loves them, but I think it's deeper than that. It's more like she feels she owes it to them or something. Like she's obligated to do whatever they want, like if she does maybe they'll love her more. I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling paranoid. I She could probably say thet same thing about me. I guess it doesn't matter. It doesn't seem like she'd tell me anyway. Whatever it is. She wouldn't talk about it. I think the biggest problem we have is communication. Iknow I yell alot, but I'm not trying to make her feel like crap, I just want to help her and I get mad when she doesn't give me information. I get worried and I need the big picture or I can't deal with it. Some things I know, some things I don't. But when I don't know what's wrong she won'tr just come out and tell me. She always tells me that all I have to do is ask. But if I don't ask the right question, I don't find out. She almost never tells me willingly what's buging her. It feels like I have to do everything. If she has a problem with something I'm doing, which isn't unjustified, she tells me. She also tells me that she won't make me do anything about it, but if I do happen to do it again, she gets upsetI understand this, and it makes sense. But when I tell her something she does bothers me, she just says she's sorry. That's it. She doesn't make an obvious effort that I can see. She just apologizes and keeps right on doing it. Then , when I say something about it again, she get's upset with me for repeating myself. She says she can't take it anymore, but according to her, nothing's wrong., so I get stuck wondering where the stress is coming from.I start to wonder if there's something she's not telling me, and I always jump to the conclusion that it's my fault. I think it is, and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but I might be wrong.There Probably is, because I didn't ask the secret question to unlock that vault of problems she's got buried. We've been fighting alot lately. I just don't know what to do. I always seem to find myself yelling at her for not talking to me.Sometime's it's 2-3 weeks at a time before I get to see her. Right now, it'sa been a month and 3 days. II just want her to talk to me. Sometimes, it feels like if we weren't fighting, she wouldn't be talking to me about anything important.I know I'm a dick. I wouldn't fight so much if she would just talk to me. She says things aren't working. If she talked to me more, then I think things would be working better. If she just lets me know what she's thinking. But she can be so darn vague sometimes. I just want to be able to talk to her about anything. Sometimes I feel like if I didn't start taslking first, we wouldnt talk at all. That's all Ithat I can think of that she really does to bug me. Seeing everything together, I know things would be so much worse if she wasn't in my life. My life before her was..well, I didn't really have a life. I was drifting all alone and hurting. I didn't have anything at all. She... she filled this gap I had. I don't know what it is. It's not even the big things that come to mind when I think of her. I love her. She's great to be around, she makes me feel needed, she loves me. She has me hooked. It's the little things that make her beautiful, though. I love it when she stretches and makes this little Umff noise in her throat. She also has this tendency to name different parts of me, like the single hair on my chest. She sees things about me that noone else would notie, like the dot in my eye or the swirl on my palm. I love her so much. she thinks so differentl;y from anyone else I've ever met. She makes me feel like I was made to be there for her. I miss her sweetpea perfume and her pout. I miss her lack of love for mickey mouse. I miss her. She's the single most important thing in my life. I miss the way she points out my dorkiness, but makes it feel like a good thing. I miss watching her wish when the the numbers on the clock are the same. she closes her eyes so tight and makes me want to kiss her and make whatever wish she has come true.I miss her pout when I tell her i like her butt. I just wonder what she thinks sometimes. I feel like she could do better than me sometimes. I can't help but feel like I'm the reason for her problems. I just want her to be happy with me. I know I hurt her. I guess I try so hard to make things right, that I push her to tears.It drives me crazy that I'm not with her. I know I can be so suffocating. I don't mean to be, though. I just get worried that if I didn't do anything, I'd fall apart. I just need to stop pushing her and just be happy that I have her. But I'm afraid I might not have that option anymore.I feel like I'm going to lose her now, like she's ready to move on. I can't blame her. I just love her. I never meant to hurt her. She makes me happy, and I want her to be happy, too. When I started, I wasn't sure if I should let her see this. I just wanted to write down my feelings, so i could have them there. But now. I just want to keep the best thing in my life from leaving. but I'm afraid I forced her to. I love her. I always will.