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2/28/06 11:33 pm - My Thoughts

I love her. I can't help it. I've been with her for... 9 months, 2 weeks, and 1 day. It's the longest I've ever been with anyone, yet it saeems so short at the same time. I love her so much, and I would do anything for her. Just being together makes life better. At the same time, I know things will never be the same. In just these 9 months, I've experienced a lifetime of feelings. Love, joy, pain, suffering, ecstasy, happiness. I feel alive with her, yet sometimes she makes me wanna scream, and, to my shame, sometimes I do.I know I make her feel the same way.I can't help it. I love her. If I didn't I wouldn't care. I want to do so much with her. she's the one I want to grow old with. She makes me so frustrated sometimes, though.She's always so vague about the things that bother her. It always seems like I have to pry things out. She also seems to have this wierd dependence on her family. They're always telling her what to do and making her feel worthless, but despite all that, she always runsback to them. I know she loves them, but I think it's deeper than that. It's more like she feels she owes it to them or something. Like she's obligated to do whatever they want, like if she does maybe they'll love her more. I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling paranoid. I She could probably say thet same thing about me. I guess it doesn't matter. It doesn't seem like she'd tell me anyway. Whatever it is. She wouldn't talk about it. I think the biggest problem we have is communication. Iknow I yell alot, but I'm not trying to make her feel like crap, I just want to help her and I get mad when she doesn't give me information. I get worried and I need the big picture or I can't deal with it. Some things I know, some things I don't. But when I don't know what's wrong she won'tr just come out and tell me. She always tells me that all I have to do is ask. But if I don't ask the right question, I don't find out. She almost never tells me willingly what's buging her. It feels like I have to do everything. If she has a problem with something I'm doing, which isn't unjustified, she tells me. She also tells me that she won't make me do anything about it, but if I do happen to do it again, she gets upsetI understand this, and it makes sense. But when I tell her something she does bothers me, she just says she's sorry. That's it. She doesn't make an obvious effort that I can see. She just apologizes and keeps right on doing it. Then , when I say something about it again, she get's upset with me for repeating myself. She says she can't take it anymore, but according to her, nothing's wrong., so I get stuck wondering where the stress is coming from.I start to wonder if there's something she's not telling me, and I always jump to the conclusion that it's my fault. I think it is, and she doesn't want to hurt my feelings, but I might be wrong.There Probably is, because I didn't ask the secret question to unlock that vault of problems she's got buried. We've been fighting alot lately. I just don't know what to do. I always seem to find myself yelling at her for not talking to me.Sometime's it's 2-3 weeks at a time before I get to see her. Right now, it'sa been a month and 3 days. II just want her to talk to me. Sometimes, it feels like if we weren't fighting, she wouldn't be talking to me about anything important.I know I'm a dick. I wouldn't fight so much if she would just talk to me. She says things aren't working. If she talked to me more, then I think things would be working better. If she just lets me know what she's thinking. But she can be so darn vague sometimes. I just want to be able to talk to her about anything. Sometimes I feel like if I didn't start taslking first, we wouldnt talk at all. That's all Ithat I can think of that she really does to bug me. Seeing everything together, I know things would be so much worse if she wasn't in my life. My life before her was..well, I didn't really have a life. I was drifting all alone and hurting. I didn't have anything at all. She... she filled this gap I had. I don't know what it is. It's not even the big things that come to mind when I think of her. I love her. She's great to be around, she makes me feel needed, she loves me. She has me hooked. It's the little things that make her beautiful, though. I love it when she stretches and makes this little Umff noise in her throat. She also has this tendency to name different parts of me, like the single hair on my chest. She sees things about me that noone else would notie, like the dot in my eye or the swirl on my palm. I love her so much. she thinks so differentl;y from anyone else I've ever met. She makes me feel like I was made to be there for her. I miss her sweetpea perfume and her pout. I miss her lack of love for mickey mouse. I miss her. She's the single most important thing in my life. I miss the way she points out my dorkiness, but makes it feel like a good thing. I miss watching her wish when the the numbers on the clock are the same. she closes her eyes so tight and makes me want to kiss her and make whatever wish she has come true.I miss her pout when I tell her i like her butt. I just wonder what she thinks sometimes. I feel like she could do better than me sometimes. I can't help but feel like I'm the reason for her problems. I just want her to be happy with me. I know I hurt her. I guess I try so hard to make things right, that I push her to tears.It drives me crazy that I'm not with her. I know I can be so suffocating. I don't mean to be, though. I just get worried that if I didn't do anything, I'd fall apart. I just need to stop pushing her and just be happy that I have her. But I'm afraid I might not have that option anymore.I feel like I'm going to lose her now, like she's ready to move on. I can't blame her. I just love her. I never meant to hurt her. She makes me happy, and I want her to be happy, too. When I started, I wasn't sure if I should let her see this. I just wanted to write down my feelings, so i could have them there. But now. I just want to keep the best thing in my life from leaving. but I'm afraid I forced her to. I love her. I always will.

12/5/05 09:07 pm - My Life As I Know It

Things are finally feeling right to me now. Last night, I actually had a conversation with my mom and dad where we really worked things out. we talked of the horrible things in my past and theirs, came to some realizations about ourselves along the way, and resolved to leave it up to the lord to change us. I know that God is doing something special in my life and for our family. This is the first time in my life where I feel confident about facing my demons. I feel confident, because now I have someone from the outside sharing my pain and m weaknesswith me, sharing all the good and love as well. I have love, and I have faith again. I know I don't have all the answers, but I also know something else. God does, and he works in our lives every day. All I have to do is ask God and he will reveal the answers in his own good time. I sometimes let dread get the best of me, but when I feel myself slipping I just pray for the strength to keep on going. God's given me so much at a time in my life where I had lost so much. He gave me hope. He gave me Steph, he gave me love, and he gave me purpose. Now, it's my turn to do what God wants me to.

11/22/05 12:03 am - Too Many Times

Too many times
I've sat there.
Too many times
I've watched her.
I love her.
I need her.
She knows
I'll always be there.
I have to move.
I have to push
Myself
To the limits I can go.
But being me,
and doing nothing
Too many times.
I know. I know.
I'll change
For her.
For me.
And rid
My life
Of hypocrisy.
I love her.
I've done
This
Too many times.

11/21/05 01:35 am - Me Again

I like pie. But I miss my girlfriend. I want to see her so much, and I can't help but think about her every single day. Today I went to church, and the entire time during the sermon I couldn't help but think to myself, I wish Steph were here. it's something about being with her. she excites me, yet puts me at ease. her touch can be so gentle and yet so electrifying at the same time. Don't get me wrong, we have our arguments at times, But as much as I can yell and argue and just wish we were not speaking to each other, two minutes later I'm feeling like the biggest jerk in the world and just want to hug her and apologize as many times as I can. I'd give the world for her. I love her so much. And it's right, you know? I need to be there beside her, every step of the way. it's like I was born to.

11/16/05 03:46 am - A Little Bit to Digest

demondistorted6166: so what don't you understand?
jaredthebarb: idk
jaredthebarb: lots of things
demondistorted6166: like?
jaredthebarb: sometimes I just wonder what holds you back
jaredthebarb: what bogs you down
jaredthebarb: or why you say this instead of that
jaredthebarb: or why you react this way and not that way
jaredthebarb: you do unexpected things
jaredthebarb: you march to the beat of a different drum
jaredthebarb: it's hard for me to match your tempo
jaredthebarb: I guess it's just unusual for me to find someone else that has an unusualness I can't understand
jaredthebarb: other people are easy
jaredthebarb: I can plot how they'd respond
jaredthebarb: what they'd do
jaredthebarb: what they want
jaredthebarb: you're harder
jaredthebarb: even when I know something goes along with your nature
jaredthebarb: and you want it
jaredthebarb: you still fight it
jaredthebarb: that gets me
demondistorted6166: but if I was easy to understand would you still feel the same about me?
jaredthebarb: probably not
jaredthebarb: because you wouldnt be you
jaredthebarb: I told you
jaredthebarb: the atrraction is confusion
jaredthebarb: being different
demondistorted6166: is if ever I don't keep you guessing I could lose you?
jaredthebarb: following a course that is unplottable and random is better to me than following a set path
jaredthebarb: lol
jaredthebarb: no
jaredthebarb: that's just the initial attraction
jaredthebarb: the bait on the hook
jaredthebarb: you already caught me hook line an sinker
jaredthebarb: and I'm still reeling
jaredthebarb: so no worries

11/16/05 03:18 am - Why Some People Worry More Than Others

I was thinking again, which is a habit that I can't to seem to break. I thought to myself, why do some people worry more than others? I find that the people that are more in tune with the world around them usually worry more than the rest. Most people take things for granted and just go about their lives worrying about the things that directly affect them. Take this for example: A car gets cut off at an intersection by another speeding motorist. The guy driving thinks to himself, what an asshole. The guy sitting beside him thinks, That's way too common an occurence around here. That's when the guy in the passenger seat asks himself the question why. From then on, it becomes a problem. The man loses sleep trying to find an answer, and then comes to the conclusion that even if he knew why, he wouldn't be able to chage it without relying on the people in charge to help. Sadly, the people in charge are usually the first guy. They would rather deal with the problems directly at hand and shrug off the rest. instead of finding the reason behind the problem, they merely deal with the effect.This is why I put my thoughts out here now, so that other people can start worrying about the things going on around them so that I'm not the only one. :P

11/16/05 02:45 am - Can't Sleep

My thoughts go on forever sometimes. Well, they do when I can catch them, at least. Too many things floating around in there. Sometimes they get so loud, that my mind blocks them out with music. I'll be sitting there trying to think of something and I'll just hear the lyrics to Do Wah Diddy playing in my head the entire time. It drives me crazy. My girlfriend tends to get me thinking, too. I love her so much, yet sometimes, she completely astounds me. I don't understand the reasons for the things she does sometimes. I know I use the word sometimes alot, but I can't say that it happens all the time, because that would be untrue. I don't like to lie to people. People are so interesting. We're the only things in this world that hate. Does a dog hate a cat? No. they just have instincts that tell them when they might be a threat and when they might be food.Ok, I'm done rambling for now.
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